Today was perhaps the best of the last two weeks and gives me a bit of hope that I can actually get myself out of this downward spiral. Taking my therapist's advice, I forced myself to get out today and went to the gym to workout. I can't say that I had a lot of energy but at least I tried to do something about my situation. Later I received two phone calls from friends that helped to lift my spirits. Thank-god for friends.
My therapist is back from her vacation this Wednesday and, given the last few days, I'm really looking forward to an appointment. I have completed all of the homework she has given me which should allow us to actually start addressing specific issues. I desperately need her help to smooth out the wild emotional swings that have been plaguing me since I left work and left me feeling really drained.
Since I am feeling a tad bit better today, I should probably admit to something that I did last Friday. I have never been a particularly religious or spiritual person but I was feeling so low, so at the end of my rope that I drove to a local church and prayed for God to not let me kill myself. It was very emotional and I just kept saying over and over again, "Please don't let me kill myself God. I don't want to die. Please" After about 30 minutes of this I hurried out and went home feeling like I had cried so hard that there weren't any tears left inside me. I don't expect that God would answer me since I have done very little to deserve his help or forgiveness. However this turns out I will have to take full responsibility for my actions and answer to whomever and whatever the other side holds.
We will have to see what tomorrow brings but hopefully I'll be able to build on the progress today.
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