Unfortunately, the last two days have been rather tough. Yesterday, my therapist called the police and had them come out and check up on me. They asked me several questions and wanted to check out my apartment looking, I think, to see if there was any evidence laying around that I was going to hurt myself. I was brutally honest with them and admitted that I have been going through a rough patch lately but wasn't intending to hurt myself at that very moment. After what seemed an eternity, they told me to call 911 if things got too rough and left. Later, I had my second appointment with the work suggested therapist who gave me several handouts filled with activities and meditations to review. I had been complaining that the many hours spent alone each day wasn't helping my mindset nor was the feeling that I hadn't done anything these last few days to jump start my recovery. I know that both of my therapists have told me that you can't rush this but I have to feel like I have a plan and that I'm actively working towards stabilizing and controlling my depression. The rest of the day was spent laying in bed trying to get my head to slow down and perhaps catch a few hours of sleep.
Today I tried to take my therapist's advice and start pushing myself to do things. When nothing sounds interesting though and your energy level is pathetic it's really hard to motivate and get out of bed. Following the idea of baby steps, I took out the trash, swept the kitchen and cut my fingernails. Pretty sad I know but it's all I can really muster right now. I did spend an hour at the gym but it was more about getting out of the house and being around other people than getting in shape. I don't really want to interact with anyone but having other bodies around is somewhat comforting and keeps me from spending 24 hours alone each and everyday. I'm having trouble concentrating right now so I'm going to get back in bed and see if I can't read or maybe just go to bed. Maybe tomorrow will be better...
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