Day Two

I awoke feeling a bit better about my prospects of fighting this disease having had what I consider was a productive meeting with my therapist. I laid myself bare once again feeling inadequate and embarrassed that I had inexplicably allowed myself to get back to this dark place. She was obviously concerned and challenged me to think differently about the work we have to do to get me back to work and to live a more productive and satisfying life. I told her I was committed and would do whatever I had to in order to expedite my recovery. I will be meeting with her two days this week until she can check for any schedule adjustments on her part that may allow me to see her more often. In between days I will be attending Outreach groups around the city which should give me more context about my depression and allow me to share my own experiences and self-awareness around this challenging disease. I am also supposed to be looking for volunteer opportunities during the day (not now but when I feel a bit better perhaps) which will force me to engage with people and prevent me from spending long hours alone with my black thoughts. My cough persists and I am worried that my bronchitis has outlasted my prescriptions...an idea not shared by my doctor but at least I was proactive this time in contacting him. I have now had this hacking cough and breathing issues for over a month.

I also am taking the advice of my support circle and applying for a Short Term Disability Leave. Although I wont actually be using it unless this lasts longer than 30 days, the benefits folks and my manager thought that I should sign up now so that everything is in place and I can focus on my treatment and getting better. I am still conflicted about taking this benefit and feel in some way that I am stealing. I am also worried about coming back to my team someday in the near future wondering if they will accept me or not. I suppose I have larger concerns though and will have to cross that bridge when and if I get there.

I want to finally get to a place where I can live a somewhat normal life...with ups and downs and something other than this constant darkness always peering over my shoulder tempting me with the familiar. I hope this time I can make it.

Day One - A Start

I am unsure as to how handle this latest turn. My current state is sadly a place I have been before and I now feel resigned to say will be back here again. What makes this foreign and new ground is that never before have my ailments affected my professional career to the point that I no longer feel capable. Sadly, this disease has once again risen to undermine me during what constitutes a great opportunity. But there is no doubt that I am broken, a shell. And now I struggle with the belief that I am burdening people who barely know me but find it within them to show me unbridled compassion and understanding. I know I need help but the twisted nature of my reasoning seeks to push people away when I need their guidance the most. Perhaps worst, I know I have let people down who relied on me. Though they may never know it, I am sorry.