Feelings...Inevitable

I hate this feeling of being lost. Of accomplishing so little during my 40 years on this planet. Any glimpses of sunshine are infrequent and fleeting. I only get a bit of a reprieve when I hear her voice, like a bath in warm water, soothing and comforting. Unfortunately, she has her own life and can't be in mine the way I would like. And why should I think I could ever be good enough for her anyway? Perhaps I was kidding myself from the beginning.

April 26 is my birthday as well as the weekend that she will be visiting. To me that seems as good a time as any to kill myself. It's hard to imagine that weekend being our last time together. It hurts my heart knowing that I will never be able to look into her eyes and pledge eternal love again. That it will be the last time I will ever taste her lips on mine. Just thinking about it leaves me weak. After she leaves on Monday, I will begin the final preparations. The $12k or so I have in the bank will be wired to Mom. As for the house and any other the material possessions- I could really care less. There are somethings that I want to give her when she visits but the fate of the rest will lay with others. That stuff was just stage decorations anyway. Junk that I thought would fill the deep hole in my self but never did. Fine. I'm done with it. If I do decide to sale the house, I think I will ask Denise to oversee that piece on my mother's behalf. I trust her implicitly and know that she will do a good job in getting mom whatever funds she can squeeze out of the house.

I also think that I should use my lawyer Microsoft perk and draft a will and instructions for what to do with my body after I'm gone. Just in case I don't get around to it though, know that I would like to be cremated and my ashes thrown somewhere that mom and my friends think is special. I also do not want services of any kind including gatherings of remembrance or celebration. Anyone who would like to remember me need simply go to their favorite spot and whisper their last words to me there. If there is a way to beyond this life, I will hear them.

Alas, I can't write any more right now and will continue this train of thought another time.

Ups and Downs

Today was perhaps the best of the last two weeks and gives me a bit of hope that I can actually get myself out of this downward spiral. Taking my therapist's advice, I forced myself to get out today and went to the gym to workout. I can't say that I had a lot of energy but at least I tried to do something about my situation. Later I received two phone calls from friends that helped to lift my spirits. Thank-god for friends.

My therapist is back from her vacation this Wednesday and, given the last few days, I'm really looking forward to an appointment. I have completed all of the homework she has given me which should allow us to actually start addressing specific issues. I desperately need her help to smooth out the wild emotional swings that have been plaguing me since I left work and left me feeling really drained.

Since I am feeling a tad bit better today, I should probably admit to something that I did last Friday. I have never been a particularly religious or spiritual person but I was feeling so low, so at the end of my rope that I drove to a local church and prayed for God to not let me kill myself. It was very emotional and I just kept saying over and over again, "Please don't let me kill myself God. I don't want to die. Please" After about 30 minutes of this I hurried out and went home feeling like I had cried so hard that there weren't any tears left inside me. I don't expect that God would answer me since I have done very little to deserve his help or forgiveness. However this turns out I will have to take full responsibility for my actions and answer to whomever and whatever the other side holds.

We will have to see what tomorrow brings but hopefully I'll be able to build on the progress today.

Dissapointment

As far as failures go, I must rank somewhere up there at the top. Case in point, I haven't been able to even keep up these blogs consistently. What is wrong with me? What makes this instance so much worst than the others before? Two weeks in and I feel that I have done very little to stabilize my condition let alone battle it head on. I take as many therapist appointments that I can get each week and I spoke to a specialist who evaluated my meds and raised my Wellbutrin dosage from 300mg to 450mg. I don't know if it will actually help and unfortunately it can take 30 days or more before you begin to see results- good or bad. In the meantime, my emotions run hot and cold between miserable boredom and sheer anxious confusion. Mostly though I just feel lonely and lost with at least a few instances each day where I break down crying. I just don't know what to do and it's reached the point that I can't even tell you what tomorrow will bring.

Because no one is actually reading this blog I will admit that I think of dying everyday. I've taken out my handgun, laid it down in front of me and just stared at it wondering if this is the day. Wondering if dying would actually take this pain away and give me some semblance of peace. I know that killing myself would cause my mother and friends sadness, maybe even break their hearts, but I just don't know what else to do. I don't feel like I have a future anymore and I'm just so alone that it's overwhelming. To be honest, I never thought that I would make it this far so every year, every experience past my 30th birthday has been a bonus of sorts. Perhaps I should consider myself lucky.

The last few nights I have experienced something that has never happened to me before. As if not being able to sleep wasn't enough I now have to deal with something crawling or biting me on my legs. I don't know if its real or imagined but it has been bad enough for me to begin sleeping on the couch at night. There are ants in my apartment this time of the year so it could just be them but either way it's enough to keep me awake. I don't think that I'm crazy.

What am I going to do to get me out of this hole?

Day 7 and 8

I'm stuck somewhere between not caring and sheer numbness. This nether world between dying and perhaps getting better someday is tiring. The days pass but I feel as though nothing is really changing. Not being at work has helped somewhat but I don't think I'm actually doing anything to stabilize my depression.

I don't want to talk to anyone really mainly because I'm done burdening people.

Day 6

Another Sunday spent locked away at home alone. I was able to meet a friend for brunch but left shortly after feeling guilty that I burdened her with my story. I still don't see a way out of this for me. Even more unsettling is the fact that I cannot think of one thing that would bring me any joy at this point. I've started the activities that Nancy recommended but it's done nothing so far to clear the black cloud from above my head. I just can't see resisting this much longer.

Days 4 and 5

Unfortunately, the last two days have been rather tough. Yesterday, my therapist called the police and had them come out and check up on me. They asked me several questions and wanted to check out my apartment looking, I think, to see if there was any evidence laying around that I was going to hurt myself. I was brutally honest with them and admitted that I have been going through a rough patch lately but wasn't intending to hurt myself at that very moment. After what seemed an eternity, they told me to call 911 if things got too rough and left. Later, I had my second appointment with the work suggested therapist who gave me several handouts filled with activities and meditations to review. I had been complaining that the many hours spent alone each day wasn't helping my mindset nor was the feeling that I hadn't done anything these last few days to jump start my recovery. I know that both of my therapists have told me that you can't rush this but I have to feel like I have a plan and that I'm actively working towards stabilizing and controlling my depression. The rest of the day was spent laying in bed trying to get my head to slow down and perhaps catch a few hours of sleep.

Today I tried to take my therapist's advice and start pushing myself to do things. When nothing sounds interesting though and your energy level is pathetic it's really hard to motivate and get out of bed. Following the idea of baby steps, I took out the trash, swept the kitchen and cut my fingernails. Pretty sad I know but it's all I can really muster right now. I did spend an hour at the gym but it was more about getting out of the house and being around other people than getting in shape. I don't really want to interact with anyone but having other bodies around is somewhat comforting and keeps me from spending 24 hours alone each and everyday. I'm having trouble concentrating right now so I'm going to get back in bed and see if I can't read or maybe just go to bed. Maybe tomorrow will be better...

Day 3

How do I sum up today? First, I spent about an hour trying to track down a psychiatrist who could assist with an evaluation of my medical prescriptions with no luck what-so-ever. I called 7 offices and found that 1) Easter is a prime vacation holiday for those in the mental services 2) Very few MDs, PsyDs or PhDs accept insurance payments instead choosing to place the onus for being reimbursed on the patient and 3) it is normal to take two weeks or more to get a first appointment with an MD mental health professional. I also learned today that I am not eligible for a paid short-term leave and therefore only have about a month of vacation, sick and floating days to tie me over while I attempt to fight back this darkness. To be honest, this last point wasn't exactly a surprise given that my depression had absolutely affected my work and I knew that I wasn't going to meet my boss' expectations. If anything, the psychological impact is hitting me much harder because it simply acknowledges what a worthless individual I have been over the last three months- personally AND professionally.

Another thing that shook me today was that I just returned from a very dour appointment with my therapist during which she actually cried because she was both sad to see me in my current state as well as worried that today could be the last time she would ever see me. My god...how bad is your situation if the therapist you have worked with for years is actually driven to tears? The relationship does mean a lot to me and she has been a decent and compassionate person all these years so seeing her cry really made my heart sink. It also worried me because it marked a new low and visually called out the seriousness of my situation. Erika, whatever happens I want to thank you for everything you have done for me.

The end is drawing near and I am now thinking about what will become of me after death. My therapist says that we see bits of both heaven and hell during this life and that after death you simply live whichever of the two the majority of your life entailed. If so that means that my pain will continue beyond whatever happens here. She did say that God shows compassion for those who suffered by no fault of their own (the mentally handicapped, disabled, etc.) and grants them an after-life better than the one they lived here. I hope that's true.

My birthday is in 25 days and I now ask myself what will I make of my last days on this planet. I will need to see Mom and say "goodbye" and try to find someway to lift up her pain when the times comes that I am no longer around. I love her so much and I can't believe that I would hurt her this way but this pain is so great, so dark and so heavy that I simply cannot fight it any longer. Know that I held you in my heart. Mother I am sorry. Forgive your only son.

For the others I will do what I can to thank them for their support and love over the years. I hope in the end that they too can forgive me for my actions. I did not mean to hurt you more friends but instead choose to not bother you with my own demons any further. I love you all and want you to know that there was nothing more you could have done to help me. Sleep well knowing that and live your life to the fullest.

Alexa, I will continue to ask for your forgiveness on the other side much like I have in this one. I once told you that if I couldn't make it work with you, that I couldn't make it work with anyone. You were the love of my life and I pushed you away hurtfully. I want you to know that I thought about you often all these years and dreamed of being able to apologize to you face-to-face someday. Please forgive me Alexa.

Denise, you were a saint and the best thing I ever did for you was end our marriage. If anyone deserves happiness it is you and your family. I apologize for anything I did to hurt you. Forgive me.

Butch, thank you for always being there. I love you.

Kim, you were the closest thing I had to a father and I want you to know how important your kindness and guidance was to me. You more than anyone will probably hate me for taking a coward's way out but I hope that over time you will let that anger go and forgive me. Thank you for everything Kim. I love you.

Jennifer, we floated in and out of each other's life and never quite connected. Still, I hope you know how important you were and continue to be to me. I will pass over thinking not of our trials but instead of our triumphs. Remember me the same way please and know that you have a piece of my heart that no one else could ever touch.

Emily, I dont know how to convey the sadness and utter despair that having to leave you brings me. You were my last and perhaps strongest love and the happiness that I had meeting and spending time with you in Indonesia was without fail the greatest I have ever felt in my life. More than anyone else except my Mother, it is you who I will miss the most. I take solace in the fact that you have a great family and many who love and care for you. It is my hope that you will forgive me for bringing the dark cloud of my life into yours and will instead live a wonderful life filled with happiness and contentment. You are an incredible person and I hope you will see your potential through to the end never settling for the mundane. Dont sell yourself short Emily. You are a bright star in an otherwise dark existence. If there is a heaven then I would give it up to know that you were enjoying the beautiful life you deserve. In the end, know that I whispered your name over and over with my final breath.

I am going to do my best to not let any of you know that the end is near and for that deceit I am sorry. Don't worry over my soul but instead celebrate your own. The pain is going away soon and shortly I will know what the next life brings. As for this one, I leave with much unaccomplished and utterly broken inside. What more can I do though as I am tired, so tired.