I hate this feeling of being lost. Of accomplishing so little during my 40 years on this planet. Any glimpses of sunshine are infrequent and fleeting. I only get a bit of a reprieve when I hear her voice, like a bath in warm water, soothing and comforting. Unfortunately, she has her own life and can't be in mine the way I would like. And why should I think I could ever be good enough for her anyway? Perhaps I was kidding myself from the beginning.
April 26 is my birthday as well as the weekend that she will be visiting. To me that seems as good a time as any to kill myself. It's hard to imagine that weekend being our last time together. It hurts my heart knowing that I will never be able to look into her eyes and pledge eternal love again. That it will be the last time I will ever taste her lips on mine. Just thinking about it leaves me weak. After she leaves on Monday, I will begin the final preparations. The $12k or so I have in the bank will be wired to Mom. As for the house and any other the material possessions- I could really care less. There are somethings that I want to give her when she visits but the fate of the rest will lay with others. That stuff was just stage decorations anyway. Junk that I thought would fill the deep hole in my self but never did. Fine. I'm done with it. If I do decide to sale the house, I think I will ask Denise to oversee that piece on my mother's behalf. I trust her implicitly and know that she will do a good job in getting mom whatever funds she can squeeze out of the house.
I also think that I should use my lawyer Microsoft perk and draft a will and instructions for what to do with my body after I'm gone. Just in case I don't get around to it though, know that I would like to be cremated and my ashes thrown somewhere that mom and my friends think is special. I also do not want services of any kind including gatherings of remembrance or celebration. Anyone who would like to remember me need simply go to their favorite spot and whisper their last words to me there. If there is a way to beyond this life, I will hear them.
Alas, I can't write any more right now and will continue this train of thought another time.
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