Dissapointment

As far as failures go, I must rank somewhere up there at the top. Case in point, I haven't been able to even keep up these blogs consistently. What is wrong with me? What makes this instance so much worst than the others before? Two weeks in and I feel that I have done very little to stabilize my condition let alone battle it head on. I take as many therapist appointments that I can get each week and I spoke to a specialist who evaluated my meds and raised my Wellbutrin dosage from 300mg to 450mg. I don't know if it will actually help and unfortunately it can take 30 days or more before you begin to see results- good or bad. In the meantime, my emotions run hot and cold between miserable boredom and sheer anxious confusion. Mostly though I just feel lonely and lost with at least a few instances each day where I break down crying. I just don't know what to do and it's reached the point that I can't even tell you what tomorrow will bring.

Because no one is actually reading this blog I will admit that I think of dying everyday. I've taken out my handgun, laid it down in front of me and just stared at it wondering if this is the day. Wondering if dying would actually take this pain away and give me some semblance of peace. I know that killing myself would cause my mother and friends sadness, maybe even break their hearts, but I just don't know what else to do. I don't feel like I have a future anymore and I'm just so alone that it's overwhelming. To be honest, I never thought that I would make it this far so every year, every experience past my 30th birthday has been a bonus of sorts. Perhaps I should consider myself lucky.

The last few nights I have experienced something that has never happened to me before. As if not being able to sleep wasn't enough I now have to deal with something crawling or biting me on my legs. I don't know if its real or imagined but it has been bad enough for me to begin sleeping on the couch at night. There are ants in my apartment this time of the year so it could just be them but either way it's enough to keep me awake. I don't think that I'm crazy.

What am I going to do to get me out of this hole?