Day 3

How do I sum up today? First, I spent about an hour trying to track down a psychiatrist who could assist with an evaluation of my medical prescriptions with no luck what-so-ever. I called 7 offices and found that 1) Easter is a prime vacation holiday for those in the mental services 2) Very few MDs, PsyDs or PhDs accept insurance payments instead choosing to place the onus for being reimbursed on the patient and 3) it is normal to take two weeks or more to get a first appointment with an MD mental health professional. I also learned today that I am not eligible for a paid short-term leave and therefore only have about a month of vacation, sick and floating days to tie me over while I attempt to fight back this darkness. To be honest, this last point wasn't exactly a surprise given that my depression had absolutely affected my work and I knew that I wasn't going to meet my boss' expectations. If anything, the psychological impact is hitting me much harder because it simply acknowledges what a worthless individual I have been over the last three months- personally AND professionally.

Another thing that shook me today was that I just returned from a very dour appointment with my therapist during which she actually cried because she was both sad to see me in my current state as well as worried that today could be the last time she would ever see me. My god...how bad is your situation if the therapist you have worked with for years is actually driven to tears? The relationship does mean a lot to me and she has been a decent and compassionate person all these years so seeing her cry really made my heart sink. It also worried me because it marked a new low and visually called out the seriousness of my situation. Erika, whatever happens I want to thank you for everything you have done for me.

The end is drawing near and I am now thinking about what will become of me after death. My therapist says that we see bits of both heaven and hell during this life and that after death you simply live whichever of the two the majority of your life entailed. If so that means that my pain will continue beyond whatever happens here. She did say that God shows compassion for those who suffered by no fault of their own (the mentally handicapped, disabled, etc.) and grants them an after-life better than the one they lived here. I hope that's true.

My birthday is in 25 days and I now ask myself what will I make of my last days on this planet. I will need to see Mom and say "goodbye" and try to find someway to lift up her pain when the times comes that I am no longer around. I love her so much and I can't believe that I would hurt her this way but this pain is so great, so dark and so heavy that I simply cannot fight it any longer. Know that I held you in my heart. Mother I am sorry. Forgive your only son.

For the others I will do what I can to thank them for their support and love over the years. I hope in the end that they too can forgive me for my actions. I did not mean to hurt you more friends but instead choose to not bother you with my own demons any further. I love you all and want you to know that there was nothing more you could have done to help me. Sleep well knowing that and live your life to the fullest.

Alexa, I will continue to ask for your forgiveness on the other side much like I have in this one. I once told you that if I couldn't make it work with you, that I couldn't make it work with anyone. You were the love of my life and I pushed you away hurtfully. I want you to know that I thought about you often all these years and dreamed of being able to apologize to you face-to-face someday. Please forgive me Alexa.

Denise, you were a saint and the best thing I ever did for you was end our marriage. If anyone deserves happiness it is you and your family. I apologize for anything I did to hurt you. Forgive me.

Butch, thank you for always being there. I love you.

Kim, you were the closest thing I had to a father and I want you to know how important your kindness and guidance was to me. You more than anyone will probably hate me for taking a coward's way out but I hope that over time you will let that anger go and forgive me. Thank you for everything Kim. I love you.

Jennifer, we floated in and out of each other's life and never quite connected. Still, I hope you know how important you were and continue to be to me. I will pass over thinking not of our trials but instead of our triumphs. Remember me the same way please and know that you have a piece of my heart that no one else could ever touch.

Emily, I dont know how to convey the sadness and utter despair that having to leave you brings me. You were my last and perhaps strongest love and the happiness that I had meeting and spending time with you in Indonesia was without fail the greatest I have ever felt in my life. More than anyone else except my Mother, it is you who I will miss the most. I take solace in the fact that you have a great family and many who love and care for you. It is my hope that you will forgive me for bringing the dark cloud of my life into yours and will instead live a wonderful life filled with happiness and contentment. You are an incredible person and I hope you will see your potential through to the end never settling for the mundane. Dont sell yourself short Emily. You are a bright star in an otherwise dark existence. If there is a heaven then I would give it up to know that you were enjoying the beautiful life you deserve. In the end, know that I whispered your name over and over with my final breath.

I am going to do my best to not let any of you know that the end is near and for that deceit I am sorry. Don't worry over my soul but instead celebrate your own. The pain is going away soon and shortly I will know what the next life brings. As for this one, I leave with much unaccomplished and utterly broken inside. What more can I do though as I am tired, so tired.